No, I Won't Back Down.


Las Vegas, Puerto Rico, Tom Petty, Spain.  I woke up this morning, turned on the lights but everything still felt very dark. My heart felt broken. Images of the Las Vegas attack ran through my head and then i turned on my phone and watched more, read more which brought me into a pile of tears on my bedroom floor.  I didn’t know what else to do but shut the lights back off and cry.  My mind racing and my heart broken.

I thought: What is wrong with me? What is wrong with the world? With people? That monster who killed all those innocent people? Our government? Our president? He is the epitome of everything wrong with the world today.  Why do people care more about money than human lives?  Why is there no common sense about gun control? Why do i feel guilty? I should do something? What can i do? I feel helpless.

I have always felt that the world is a good place.  That people are innately good.  That we are all born as light and may just get a little muddy along the way.  I have always believed that the mud can wash away with love, friends, family, community, support, yoga, meditation... and wine and chocolate (of course).  But then, when things like mass shootings and terrorist attacks occur i start to question myself about the goodness of the world.  Maybe we are too deep in the mud that the light can’t be seen anymore?  

As i sat in the dark, crying and wondering what to do in this messed up world i get a phone call from my friend, Jerry- “Hedy, what health insurance do you have?”  I was like, “Huh? Oh, right… health insurance!” Strangely, I couldn’t have been happier to hear those words.  Seeing the light a bit.  Then I chat with my friend, T’ai-- “when we feel helpless, help someone” she said.  Seeing the light a bit more.  Then I show up to teach my Movement & Yoga class to the Seniors. The class was bigger than it had ever been. I looked around, went to the front of the room, tried to hold it together but it didn’t work. The tears were flowing.  The funny thing is, they were not flowing from the hopeless dark place anymore.  They were flowing because of all the light around me. I was reminded that in the dark moments, the light shines even brighter.   

In the words of Tom Petty, “No, I won’t back down”.  I won’t back down from believing we are innately good.  I won’t back down from believing there is hope for this country and for this world. I am heartbroken by the terrible things that have recently happened- mostly, for the things that could have been avoided with common sense laws.  I pray that something will change after this, that lessons will finally be learned and our government will start caring more about human lives than money, power and their right to bear arms.

My evening will be filled with teaching, healing, cooking, cuddling and researching what actions i can take to help the world be a better and brighter place. 

Peace, love and light.