The 5 Seconds That Changed Everything
I have been hit with a harsh reality over the past few weeks: I cannot control life. I can plan, organize, make lists, research and prepare until my face turns blue and then life decides it has it's own agenda. I am forced to surrender, take off my armor and soften so that instead of fighting what comes my way, i can flow with it instead. And let me tell you- it feels SO MUCH BETTER.
I have been hesitating to share my stories of the past few months but decided, why not share? Who am i hiding them from?
On February 14th, I peed on a stick and in those 5 seconds, my whole life changed. Yup, positively pregnant! The tears, the shock, the holy s*%t moment but mostly... the joy :) I wrapped that little stick up in a box, tied it with with a bow and gave it to my sweet honey for valentines day. His response: "No way. No way!" along with lots of smiles, laughter and kisses. #heartmelting
I decided to sign up for a prenatal yoga teacher training pretty soon after. I found a training that started in March at the Prenatal Yoga Center in NYC. A comprehensive 85 hour training of both prenatal yoga and child birth education. I didn't realize at the time how little i knew about all of this "stuff" and also that it was about to throw me for quite a loop. I learned SO much... maybe a little TOO much. In the training i got to know about the medicalized system of child birth in the USA and, to be honest, it really REALLY scared me! I was certain that our baby would have to be born at home, with midwives and a doula by my side. No doctors, no IVs, no scrubs, no drugs, no unnecessary interventions- just us and our "au natural team". So that was it- decision made. This baby would be born in the comfort of our own home. Simple as that.
But wait! INSURANCE (cue the screams). I started making phone calls and doing massive amounts of research and reach out. What i was learning was not encouraging. My insurance doesn't cover a drop of a home birth or midwife care. Garreth's insurance covers partial but still the financial burden would be quite hefty. However, his insurance is top tier- i would have more options. The only caveat: we would need to be married for me to be covered by it. We decided we would make a trip to city hall.
Two days prior to the "big day" I woke up with another neck spasm. I know from experience with these spasms that it's not actually about my neck. I quickly made my way to Anne-Marie Duchene's body work table. We talked for a while about what was coming up for me. My loss of identity. My fears of not being loved. My scared 3 year old self. She worked on my back and my neck deeply. There were many tears over the next 75 minutes and at one moment her hand was completely in between my right shoulder blade and rib cage. This is when i took my first deep breath in weeks. Something released right then and there. I left her office both lighter in body and in spirit. I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders.
The next day, the day before the wedding bells were ringing, Garreth and I asked each other if this is honestly what we wanted. And both of us lovingly said NO. Neither of us felt right about it. Never, in either of our dreams, did we want to say "i do... because the government said we have to in order to have better insurance".
When the truth was revealed, everything shifted. This is when I surrendered. All of a sudden all that mattered was RIGHT NOW. That I am loved. That this little nugget growing inside of me is loved. I realized that I cannot control how this baby is going to be born. The little avocado keeps sending me messages that s/he is happy and healthy and will be OK wherever s/he enters this earth. Baby doesn't want me to stress anymore- that s/he feels so much better when I am relaxed and at ease.
I feel like i have entered into a state of flow again with life. Energized yet calm. Letting go of the things I cannot control and arriving fully in the present moment- otherwise known as LOVE.